My Bio
&
My Story
Vanessa Elias
Certified Parent Coach
Mental Health Activist–Changemaker–Thought Leader
Founder, Thrive With A Guide, LLC
If you are a parent, I can help you.
Parents seek me out because what they’ve been trying doesn’t work and hasn’t improved life for their children, for themselves, and for their families.
Simply put, It’s a problem when it’s a problem. If it interferes with everyday functioning, you don’t have to wait until it’s a crisis to act.
The first step is reaching out, and then I serve as your objective guide – walking on the path with you, finding a better way forward, and helping you achieve healthier family relationships and lasting, meaningful connections.
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My name is Vanessa Elias and I am the founder of Thrive with a Guide, LLC. I am a mental health activist, certified parent coach, speaker, and writer specializing in whole-family synergy and well-being. Together we problem solve, shift your lens, and develop actionable steps to change and improve life in your home. I am also a parent support group facilitator for both the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Authentic Connections Groups (AC Groups).
Vanessa with Dr. Kevin Smith, Dr. Suniya Luthar, and Genevieve Eason
Vanessa with Julie Lythcott-Haims
My mental health advocacy work started in 2015. Since then, my message and programming has resonated deeply and garnered national attention on NPR, PBS, and in the WSJ.
As the president of the Wilton Youth Council (2015-2019), I was part of the team that engaged acclaimed researcher Suniya S. Luthar, Ph.D., to survey local high school students. The result was the Privileged and Pressured presentation and a community-wide reckoning about the unhealthy obsession with achievement. It was the subject of NPR's The Perils Of Pushing Kids Too Hard, And How Parents Can Learn To Back Off, where I talk candidly about the students’ feedback, "People don't talk about these things. Families often struggle silently, not realizing that their friends' or neighbors' kids are experiencing the same struggles. So having an opportunity to create a conversation about this was really important."
Concerned parents, including myself, were the driving force behind the creation of the Free Play Matters Task Force, inspired by the work of Peter Gray, Ph.D., and Lenore Skenazy, co-founders of Let Grow. The goal is to educate the community about the critical importance of child-directed play. One of my outreach initiatives is Big Block Party Weekend, which promotes face-to-face connection and free play among neighborhood kids. It's now a beloved annual event in Wilton. I was one of five task force members to testify in the Connecticut legislature in support of a bill to remove the threat of police or child protective services involvement when a child is enjoying unsupervised play. The task force was featured on PBS NewsHour's Why helicopter parenting may jeopardize kids' health.
I am the programming liaison for collaborations with the Wilton school district. In 2017, I partnered with Kim Zemo, LCSW, to host a 3-day DBT Skills Training for Emotional Problem Solving for Adolescents (DBT STEPS-A). The training was taught by the curriculum co-authors, James Mazza, Ph.D. and Elizabeth Dexter-Mazza, Psy.D. Joining us in completing the training were K-12 mental health professionals from Wilton and three other Fairfield County districts. Another collaboration are parenting book discussions, which I co-lead with the superintendent and other senior district leaders. Books include How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims and Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD by Eli Lebowitz, Ph.D.
In 2022, I co-founded the Wilton Mental Health Task Force. The task force's mission is to build awareness of mental health needs, bring together the resources that already exist, and collaborate to expand current services. Task force members include clinicians, school administrators, and parents.
I serve on the steering committee for AC Groups (2022-present) and as a member of the programming and marketing committees for Kids in Crisis (2021-present).
I am a founding member of the Wilton Coalition for Youth (2020-present). The purpose of the coalition is to strengthen the connections among organizations that serve youth and families in Wilton to prevent substance misuse and promote the mental health and emotional well-being of youth and families. Coalition meetings are a forum for learning and sharing ideas. Expert speakers present information on timely topics such as understanding trauma, fostering resilience, vaping prevention, and tolerance and inclusion, and lead discussions about how member organizations can support the youth they serve.
For Wilton women who want to connect, create community, and have fun, I founded WoW - Women of Wilton (2016-present). Our lives today are so busy and time is limited–between paid or volunteer work, home demands, and our family's schedules–that our relationships and connections get sacrificed. Friendships take time and energy, something we are all short on, but through them we feel a sense of belonging and they make us happy. I organize regular get-togethers for this group.
I was honored to be named a “Wilton 25” in 2017, celebrating 25 extraordinary Wilton residents for their talent, entrepreneurial spirit, generosity, expertise, and philanthropy.
Vanessa with Genevieve Eason, Dr. Kevin Smith, and Dr. Michael Hynes
Vanessa receiving Wilton Magazine’s Wilton 25 Award for Most Dedicated, Most Creative, Most Intriguing
Vanessa with Lenore Skenazy and Dr. Peter Gray
I am passionate about learning and sharing innovative, evidence-based practices in mental health and have received certifications and trainings from the leading practitioners in the field including world-renowned authorities on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Yale Child Study Center’s Eli Lebowitz, Ph.D., the developer of SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions). I have completed trainings in “Emotional Dysregulation in Families: Treatment and Support” at the Yale-NEABPD Conference and the QPR Suicide Prevention Gatekeeper Program. You can see a full list of my certifications and trainings here. I earned my bachelor's degree in psychology from Boston University.
My husband and I have three daughters – graduated college, in college, and in high school. I was born in Germany, grew up in the U.S., and raised my children in Utah, London, and Zürich before moving to Connecticut in 2013. Having experienced very different parenting environments, I am acutely aware of how a region's parenting culture affects children's emotional well-being.
My mission is to talk openly and often about mental health, redefine what it means to be a good parent, and guide parents to discover their power - to transform their lives and bring deep connection and joy back into their families.
My Story - How did I get here?
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was pretty confident about being a parent. I had always enjoyed children, had tons of experience babysitting, and was even a nanny one summer. Countless parents would tell me what a great mom I would be someday and how incredible I was with kids.
Then my first daughter was born. Her temperament was “tricky” and sensitive from birth. As a new mom, I was vulnerable to the judgement of family and friends and from the get-go, felt like it was my fault that she wanted to be held all the time, wouldn’t stay in a stroller on a walk like all the other babies in my new mom’s group, or just generally needed things differently than other kids.
When she was five and was still having tantrums, but her two year old sister wasn’t, I knew I couldn’t be solely blamed and we first sought out professional help.
As the years went on, things would be better and we would be hopeful, then suddenly worse, then at some point better again. I could never pinpoint what was working or what wasn’t — it seemed to randomly come and go. Through that time I read countless books on parenting, became more structured and when that didn’t work, less structured, tried stickers charts, reward plans and consequences — and none made a lasting difference and in fact often made things worse.
Her behaviour was affecting the entire family and we often felt like prisoners to her needs. When she was just 11, her behaviour became more extreme and looking back that is when her OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) really took a front seat, a driver’s seat in her life and as a result, our entire family’s lives.
For me, I felt alone and desperate. I was in tremendous pain because I didn’t know how to help my daughter. For the longest time, it was a secret. My daughter was well liked and loved and no one saw the other side. How could anyone understand what is happening in what I would call “our circle of terror?” And how embarrassing — I felt like a failure as a mom. When I tried talking to friends or family about what was happening in our home, I would get shocked stares and feel shunned or responses like, “I wouldn’t tolerate that in MY home.” We tried countless therapists, received different diagnoses, and I worked hard every day to get her help.
When my oldest was in middle school, she became so upset about homework that I became worried about her safety. I doubled down on my determination to figure out how to help my daughter and threw myself into educating myself about kids' mental health, took parenting classes specific to her needs over an hour away, and just when I thought things would be ok, she got worse and so did our family life. By the time she was a junior in high school, we had exhausted our resources, feared the worst. We had her taken to wilderness therapy in Utah for three months, followed by a year of a residential treatment center/therapeutic boarding school in North Carolina. As you can imagine, it was hell for us all.
I am forever grateful for making those hard choices. This is when the deep work and real healing began for our entire family and I have learned so much. It also gave me strength to know that my experience would help someone else on their journey. I’m so very grateful for the hell that we have been through, because it got us where we are today. A beloved and beautiful place.
Am I a perfect parent? No — and impossible. Are we a perfect family? No — and impossible. We are all doing the best we can with the skills and tools we have. We are humans and we make mistakes — and we learn with each one. What matters more than the actual mistake is how we learn and grow from them. We are a strong, connected family with meaningful relationships and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Every parenting and family journey has its own path, but unlike me you can have a guide. You won’t be lost in the dark woods. You will have someone that knows where the cliffs are, which trails are deadends, and most importantly, where the light is through the trees. Our children are incredible teachers and can take us on a life changing journey we never wished for, but for which we are forever grateful.
I help people build relationships, connection, and community within the home and outside the home.
With parents, I work one-on-one to unravel your challenges, understand what your child is communicating, and unleash the power that you have to change your life.
With community leaders and organizations, I serve as an advisor and consultant to take the burden off your group to formulate a human connection plan.
Together, let’s take actionable steps to achieve a life worth living – full of meaningful connection, support, relationships, well-being, and play.
Certifications & Trainings
I am passionate about learning the current evidence-based practices in mental health and have completed the following certifications and trainings.
Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions: Applications for ARFID and Failure to Launch (SPACE-Expanded), Yale Child Study Center, Anxiety and Mood Disorders Program (2022)
“Advanced training workshops (for providers who have completed the basic SPACE training) cover newer adaptations of SPACE to additional problem areas including restricted eating (ARFID) and highly dependent adult children (FTL).” Developed by Eli R. Lebowitz, Ph.D. Source: spacetreatment.net/training
Parenting Coach Certification, Center for the Challenging Child (2020)
“Help parents and caregivers strengthen bonds while teaching children, with trauma histories and without, new and effective ways of interacting with their world...lifting parents to their higher selves, so they can lift their children to theirs.” Source: parentingmojo.com
Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE), Yale Child Study Center (2020)
“SPACE is a parent-based treatment program for children and adolescents with anxiety, OCD, and related problems. SPACE was developed by Dr. Eli Lebowitz at the Yale Child Study Center and has been tested and found to be efficacious in randomized controlled clinical trials.” Source: spacetreatment.net
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Mental Health First Aid, National Council for Behavioral Health (2020, 2014)
“Mental Health First Aid is a course that teaches you how to identify, understand and respond to signs of mental illnesses and substance use disorders. The training gives you the skills you need to reach out and provide initial help and support to someone who may be developing a mental health or substance use problem or experiencing a crisis.” Source: mentalhealthfirstaid.org
The Body Keeps Score - Trauma Healing with Bessel van der Kolk, MD (2020)
“Join renowned trauma expert and New York Times bestselling author, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, for this transformational 2-day intensive workshop on the latest research and drug-free treatment techniques for your trauma clients. Dr. van der Kolk will give you a new understanding of the neuroscience of traumatic stress and the research demonstrating the efficacy and possible limitations of mind-body treatment approaches. He will detail the benefits of neurofeedback, EMDR, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and sensory integration methods such as dance and movement.” Source: pesi.com/events/detail/82207/2-day-trauma-conference-the-body-keeps-score-trauma
Institute of Child Psychology, 3rd Annual Children’s Mental Health Conference (2020)
“Conference topics: Compassionate Discipline, Anxiety, ADHD, Anger, Depression, The Therapeutic Power of Animals, Grief & Loss, Autism, Impact of Divorce and Separation, Trauma, The Power of Play, Exploring Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation in Youth, Living Your Best Parent Life, Highly Sensitive Children, Impact of Technology, Building Emotional Regulation Skills in Children, The Beauty of Coping, and Achieving Optimal Well-being for Your Family.” Source: instituteofchildpsychologyconference.com
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Silver Hill Hospital (2019, 2016, 2014)
“Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a cognitive behavioral therapy developed by renowned psychologist, Marsha Linehan in the 1980’s. Although it was originally developed to treat individuals with borderline personality disorder who were chronically suicidal, research has shown DBT is also effective for a variety of other mental health disorders including substance use, anxiety, and eating disorders. The goal of DBT is to provide patients with the skills necessary to regulate emotions, control self-destructive behaviors, and improve interpersonal relations. The DBT program at Silver Hill is one of the very few residential programs in the country.” Source: https://silverhillhospital.org/service/dialectical-behavior-therapy/ and behavioraltech.org
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Radically Open DBT with Lori Prado, LPC’s, LMHC and Hope Arnold, LCSW, MA (2019)
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DBT Skills with Multi-Problem Adolescents with Jill Rathus, Ph.D. and Alec Miller, Psy.D. (2016)
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Applying DBT Principles in Therapy Training, with Charles R. Swenson, M.D. (2016)
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Mindfulness in DBT Training with Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D. (2014)
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, Faber/Mazlish Workshops (2019)
“Communication skills that build better relationships between adults and children. Covered in each session: Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings, Engaging Cooperation, Alternatives to Punishment, Encouraging Autonomy, Praise, Freeing Children from Playing Roles.” Source: fabermazlish.com
QPR Suicide Prevention Gatekeeper, QPR Institute (2018)
“QPR stands for Question, Persuade, and Refer — the 3 simple steps anyone can learn to help save a life from suicide. Just as people trained in CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver help save thousands of lives each year, people trained in QPR learn how to recognize the warning signs of a suicide crisis and how to question, persuade, and refer someone to help.” Source: qprinstitute.com
Yale NEA-BPD (National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder) Conferences, Yale School of Medicine (2018, 2017)
14th Annual Yale NEA-BPD Conference: Emotional Dysregulation in Families - Treatment and Support (2018)
“This year’s conference will address a variety of research-supported interventions and support options for families that struggle with problems of emotional dysregulation, including new mothers, parents of children struggling with dysregulated children and adolescents, and family members touched by borderline personality disorder (BPD). Our presenters include treatment developers, researchers, master clinicians, and individuals who will share from their lived experience of BPD.” Source: medicine.yale.edu/event/47675/
13th Annual Yale NEA-BPD Conference: Global Alliance for Prevention and Early Intervention for Borderline Personality Disorder (GAP) (2017)
“GAP is an initiative that aims to promote early detection and timely intervention for borderline personality disorder across the health, education, welfare, justice and other relevant systems. Central to this goal is preparing the mental health workforce by updating knowledge in relation to BPD in young people.” Source: borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-gap/
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) Skills Training for Emotional Problem Solving for Adolescents STEPS-A with James Mazza, Ph.D. and Elizabeth Dexter-Mazza, Psy.D. (2017)
I partnered with Wilton, Conn. school district to host this 3-day training for K-12 mental health professionals from Wilton and three other Fairfield County districts. “The DBT STEPS-A curriculum is designed to help adolescents develop coping strategies and decision-making abilities, especially under emotional distress.” Source: dbtinschools.com
NARCAN® Nasal Spray training, Silver Hill Hospital (2017)
“This training will provide an overview of the opioid crisis in our country and discuss the signs of a possible opioid overdose and how to use nasal Narcan to reverse the overdose.” Source: silverhillhospital.org/event/community-narcan-training
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), NAMI Connecticut (2017, 2015)
NAMI is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.
NAMI Basics for Parents, Caregivers, and Family (2017)
“A 6-session education program for parents, caregivers and other family who provide care for youth (ages 22 and younger) who are experiencing mental health symptoms. NAMI Basics Covers: the impact mental health conditions can have on your entire family; different types of mental health care professionals; available treatment options and therapies; an overview of the public mental health care; school and juvenile justice systems and resources to help you navigate these systems; how to advocate for your child's rights at school and in health care settings; how to prepare for and respond to crisis situations (self-harm, suicide attempts, etc.); the importance of taking care of yourself; and much, much more.” Source: nami.org
NAMI Family Support Group Facilitator (2015)
“A NAMI Family Support Group facilitator is a trained NAMI leader who leads a 90-minute, monthly Family Support Group. They play an important role in ensuring that all participants feel welcomed and supported. NAMI facilitators are uniquely qualified to lead support groups because they are going through their own loved one’s recovery process. They can empathize with and encourage those who are just beginning the journey to a renewed life. A NAMI facilitator ensures that the group shares responsibility for maintaining guidelines, sustains clear participant boundaries, clarifies goals, and reinforces communication skills that encourage group participation. They have the charge to guide group members in a healthy and purposeful discussion that will help them address challenges of being affected by mental health issues.” Source: namict.org
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NEA-BPD (National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder) Family Connections™ (2014)
“12-session course providing education, skills training, and support for people who have a relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD)/Emotion Dysregulation (ED) or BPD/ED traits. Behaviours that often present include unstable mood, high anger/or shame, relationship problems, impulsivity, self injury, and suicide attempts. The Family Connections™ program includes: education on BPD/ED treatments and the latest research findings, relationship skills based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help support your loved one with compassion and empathy, support from course leaders and other participants who also have a relationship with a person with BPD/ED, suggestions for taking care of yourself and managing your stress, and effective communication techniques to promote problem collaboration and/or solving.” Source: borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org
Affiliations
We are stronger together! I am proud to be affiliated with these thought leaders and organizations as we work together to educate, connect, and lift humanity.
